There are four people in the photo above. A happy, healthy family. Now there are only three left here on Planet Earth, and we are the only ones this is about. This family tragedy is ours and ours alone. It’s not about you.
It’s not about you posting things on social media “honoring” Brooke. While your intentions may be pure, they make me feel like you’re using our pain to make yourself look like a better person to your “friends”.
It’s not about you talking about us behind our backs or asking others how we’re doing when all you have to do is come to my blog or, better yet, call me, message me, reach out to me… not the Internet…not the Starbucks line in town or wherever you gather to talk about “that family”.
It’s not about you telling others to give us space or privacy. I’m the only one who gets to say that and, by the way, I want neither. What I do want is for people to reach out to me directly. See above for suggestions on how to do that.
It’s not about you trying to come to terms with your own fears that this could have been your child. It’s not about you telling me that you can’t imagine… that I am so brave. No, you can’t imagine and, chances are, you’ll never have to experience this. And no, I’m not brave but I’m a survivor of the most painful grief there is. And I will survive. Because the other two in this photo still on Planet Earth need me. And Brooke needs me to take care of them, too.
It’s about us.
We are the unwilling stars of this tragedy that seems more like a reality series because we constantly feel like we’re being watched… because we are. We understand that you care. We understand that you don’t know what to do. We don’t know what to do, either. But here are some suggestions.
Be mindful of our pain. We are literally trudging through the days, but we must do “normal” things like school, shopping, sports, etc. We are weighted down by a heavy cloak called grief. While this cloak may become lighter in the months and years ahead, we will never shed this cloak. It is something we will wear forever. Remember that we will need support long after you think we will. We will never get over this. We will never forget.
Be kind to us. Be kind to everyone – especially your children. Grief provides the ability to see things with a laser focus. I have zero tolerance for overachieving soccer moms, gossip, and those who complain about what a burden their children are. In Brooke’s honor, I will tell you kindly when I think you are out of line but I will tell you, I promise you that.
Be brave. Don’t be afraid of us. Don’t be afraid of what happened. Death is a part of life. It’s okay to expose your children to it, and to talk about Brooke because she was a part of our lives and talking about her keeps her alive in our hearts and minds. I don’t know why she died. But I do know why she lived. I am her mother from now until eternity. And whatever role you played in her life is forever, too.
Be patient. I have at least one thousand emotions every hour. I may yell at you, I may tell you I want to do something and then change my mind. I may not return your calls, texts, or emails but I want them. I need them. I need to know that you care. That you haven’t forgotten just because some time has passed. I need you to invite me to things you normally would and keep inviting me to other things in the future. I may not go, but then again, I may. I just need to know that while nothing is the same, some things still are.
Finally, treat us the way you always have but maybe with a more gentle heart. In fact, treat everyone that way.
So if you still feel the need to make this all about you, then try this: Be mindful, be brave, be patient, be kind. Be like Brooke.
5 thoughts on “It’s Not About You”
Thank you for being so honest. I think of you and of Brooke often.
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Such a powerful post, Sandi. I think our culture is sheltered in many respects from suffering and grief, so we’re fairly ignorant in how to handle it. Your blog is so important to teach all of us in your community how to better “mourn with those who mourn” if that makes sense… Love you.
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I wish I could be this brutally honest. Thank you for showing me how things really are. I agree. This is for eternity. So we need to be kinder to each other. To all. Cheers!
Your words are raw, honest, impactful and they speak volumes. Thank you for guiding us all through your pain and through your love for Brooke. Hugs now and always.
YES! All of this! I touched on a couple of the same things today! ❤